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Remember Chris Chan?
Any1 want to critic a piece of shit I wrote?
A soft breeze passed through the dune as the morning sun peaked over the distant pillars of sand. The desert floor came to life as wind caressed its surface, rolling grains of sand creating a dusty mist. Local wildlife crept from the dark corners yet untouched by the rising sun eager to find the days first meal. Imani slept on her side hugging her knapsack closely to her chest. She lay still till a brilliant orange beam of light slowly swept over her face. Squinting her eye's she took in a breath of the dry morning air and exhaled. Leaning forward in her sleeping bag she yawned and stretched her arms as far as she could, dispelling the hold of drowsiness upon her.
Pulling her knees to her chest she looked to the others sleeping around her. Huddled together were three Opteran's, bipedal insectoid creatures that stood as tall as any human. Yellow grey skin was covered by a hard carapace that padded their shoulders, knees, and covered the length of their chest and waist. Long boney arms hung at their sides and two black beady eyes, devoid of emotion, dotted their face. She stood up from her sleeping bag and walked over to where they slept. The three were tightly packed together, " As together as a can of sardines," she thought to herself. She nudged Bito, the unofficial translator of the trio, and stood back when his eyes popped open. He clicked and chirped as he slowly rose to meet Imani's stare.
"Time to get up, the sun's starting to rise and I want to reach the Gouge before noon," Imani explained, "no telling what trouble we may find if we doddle to long out here." Bito glanced around at their surroundings, nodded and gave a click of agreement. "I wake others. You pack-yes?" He responded in broken English. A slight click came with every few words. Imani nodded back and began packing her sleeping bag. Bito knelt by his kin and gently poked at their wide foreheads with his thin fingers. Imani peered from the corner of her eye as he woke them. For what seemed like an expressionless race, they expressed a tender side towards their own. Follic woke first, with Ren right after and soon the morning expedition was underway. The sun steadily rose in the distant casting a blanket of light over the silent desert.
Imani's feet sunk into the sand with each step, making long-distance travel an exhausting affair, at least for her. She looked up the hill at her Opteran companions ahead. They traversed the hill with relative ease, their bodies slim and light. A bead of sweat rolled down her temple, she rose her hand to wipe it away. The knapsack weighed heavily on her back. Each step met with a great force of effort. Suddenly she walked into Ren's back almost toppling him over in the process. Ren clicked, annoyed. "Wha? Whats the holdup?" Imani groaned as she made her way past him to the top of the hill. She stood atop the hill and saw what appeared to be an old abandoned village. Buildings with crumbling walls shattered windows and loose doors populated the village below. Large fields of crops lay on the outskirts unattended and had been long dead. Ren looked to Bito made a series of clicks and chirps while pointing to the village. Bito nodded and clicked back, placing his open hand on Ren's chest, a sign heeding to be alert. Ren confirmed his warning and sprinted down the hill leaving a trail of dust in his wake.
"You sure its safe for him to go alone?" Imani asked Bito. "Yes. Ren good-scout. Very quick. No catch." Bito responded with a sense of pride. He appeared to care deeply for the ones he traveled with but Ren more than most. They watched as Ren speedily mad his way toward the edge of the village and took cover behind what seemed to be a farmhouse missing its main doors. He cautiously peered inside, and sure that no danger was present made his way to the building closest to it and did the same. After some time, Ren returned to the group. He swept his hand across his forehead, a sign of "all clear". They all made their way to the ruins of the village and began to scavage for supplies that could be useful.
Imani's search proved fruitless. No food, water or a single unbroken tool. The place was ravaged not by time, but by raiders. Not uncommon in that time it was a staple of everyday life. A crude reminder that the world was cruel and unforgiving. Follic entered a small shack just outside the crop fields one hand on his sidearm, a small rugged bone dagger he carved himself. An overturned bookcase lay on the floor in the center of the room. The only light emitted from the entryway of the shack illuminating the dust floating in the air. He looked to the walls and saw empty tool shelves and faded blood spattered on the wall. Not much filled the shack so Follic turned his attention to the overturned bookcase and lifted it. Peaking under a glisten of light reflected off something in the pile of rubble underneath. Follic reached one hand into the pile and grasped the orb-like object. Its metallic surface shone brilliantly in the sun casting reflections of light onto the walls. He clicked and chirped in excitement.
The group gathered at the center of the village by makeshift gallows at the allotted time to share their findings. "I haven't found a damn thing. Any luck on your ends?" Imani reported looked to Bito to translate. He turned to the others and let out a string of clicks. They in turn responded. "Nothing," Bito said dishearted. Imani crouched and leaned against the beams of the gallows. "Alright, let's take a breather before we head out." She sighed as she began to pull out her water pouch. The Opteran's all sat down with the exception of Bito. "I search-more. Maybe treasure hides in fields." He said. "Knock yourself out," Imani gasped between gulps," you know where to find us." Bito made his way to the fields north of the village.
Imani pulled out her rations, a food brick, compressed bread beans and rice. "What I would do for a piece of meat right now," she thought to herself," its been too long. She looked at the other two. They had pulled out desert mice long dead from their bags and were ripping it apart with their hands. The stench of decay filled the air. "Oh god that's disgusting!" She exclaimed, her face twisting in disgust. Follic continued ravaging the little mouse and putting chunks of semi-decayed meat in his mouth. Ren looked up to Imani and extended his hand with chunks of flesh in his palms. He chirped happily as if to offer her some. She looked at the mess before her and then to Ren. His beady eyes stared blankly back at her. "No thanks Ren, I no longer have an appetite." She forced back a gag and put the food brick back into her bag. Ren shrugged and stuffed the handful of meat into his mouth and swallowed whole.
Time passed. Then some more. Eventually, worry crept into Ren causing him to be uneasy. He chirped to Follic who did not turn to respond. Another chirp and Follic clicked a few times, waving his hand in the air lazily. Ren looked to Imani and clicked. She looked up and though his face showed no expression she also felt the touch of worry ping in her chest. "Its been too long since Bito left. We have to go check on him. Make sure he's okay. Right, Ren?" He looked back at her in confusion. She stood up and grabbed her knapsack. "Let's go find him." She yawned. She motioned with her hand indicating for them to follow. Follic lazily stood up while Ren sprung to attention. The three gathered their belongings and made way to the dead crops at the end of the village.
Thats what i made. Any thoughts critics welcome.
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